As the song doesn't go: wise men say, no money no problems, and it certainly looks that way at Manchester City, who will have a 149-man squad by the end of January if you believe all of the last week's rumours. Fact.
Future former City manager Mark Hughes is planning to bequeath Craig Bellamy (£7m) and Matthew Upson (£8m) to his successor. City will also top whatever bid Chelsea put in for Sevilla's Luis Fabiano by one pence and a packet of Lidl toilet rolls, just to wipe that permanent, simple-farmer grin off Roman Abramovich's face.
Tottenham will stop playing right-footers on the left when Harold Redknapp welcomes Stewart Downing into the fold. In return, Middlesbrough will get £4m plus Jamie O'Hara and Gareth "987 games, no wins" Bale. Redknapp also has inexplicable urges but, unlike the Rumours', his don't involve a leather gimp mask and demonstrative whiffs of Dulux Solid Emulsion. Even worse, Redknapp wants to pay £8m for Sunderland's Kieran Richardson.
After the success of their Luis Figo heist in 2000, Real Madrid again want to steal Barcelona's right-winger. Which is why, having misinterpreted Martin O'Neill's comments, they've got two men stalking Aston Villa's Ashley Young.
Tony Adams wants to teach Jimmy Bullard GCSE English and how to play the piano. Birmingham will sign the former Real Madrid, Sevilla and Mallorca winger Jordi Lopez. And, finally, Gary Speed will be the new manager of Swindon Town.
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