"Footballers' wives were reeling last night after being savaged by a top Premier League football boss," claims the front page of this morning's Daily Star. Terrified, the Mill duly turned to page five expecting exclusive pictures of a grunting Steve Bruce still gnawing at the mangled remains of Coleen McLoughlin. It's OK, though. In fact, Chelsea's Big Phil "Luiz Felipe" Scolari has simply been offering holistic relationship guidance: "The best thing for a player in their football life is to have a good wife. If a player has a good wife you don't need to worry about him. Today, if a player is intelligent..." OK, hold it right there Big Phil. Now you're getting weird on us.
And perhaps also vaguely freaking out Branislav Ivanovic, who (a) still hasn't quite met the right girl; and (b) is being linked with a move to Internazionale in January. Fellow singleton Ben Sahar has been spotted exchanging glances with Utrecht technical director Pier Buter. "Sahar is an interesting player," says Buter, who sounds ready to take things to the next level.
David Moyes has targeted "the new Yak", otherwise known as Zenit St Petersburg's Russian international striker Pavel Pogrebnyak. And Gary Megson has decided to pluck blushing 20-year-old Rochdale striker Will Buckley out of the cheerful cockney flower market that is League Two and let him loose among the strutting high society peacocks of the lower mid-table Premier League.
According to the Sun, the people in charge of Manchester City now wish to be known as Sheikh Mansour and his Team, which sounds about right. Sheikh Mansour and his Team will not, however, be luring Kaka to the Sheikh Mansour and his Team Stadium in January. "'ll only leave if Milan decide to sell," he says. And if Jesus is, you know, cool with it. On the other hand, David Villa's agent is in town discussing a possible £60m move from Valencia. And poor old Vinnie Jones says he had 48 stitches in a facial wound after his recent bar fight in Los Angeles. "We were having a laugh with a group of lads at the pool table," says the star best known for his interpretation of the "grumpy man" in the RAC breakdown cover ads. "They started having a joke about my films. The next thing I knew I was on the ground with a glass in my face."
The Times has the inside track on Michael Owen's imminent escape from pretending he still wants to play for Newcastle: he's off to City as well, although thrillingly Owen himself is "unaware of the interest". Anyone feel like telling him?
Meanwhile Calciomercato reports that Roma are sniffing aournd Porto Alegre full-back Nilma, with a view to a Cicinho-related swap deal. Milan, on the other hand, are looking for "a big central defender" and Franck Ribery has decided to stay at Bayern Munich for ever even though no one's actually asked him to go anywhere else just yet although obviously that's got nothing to do with it.
The Daily Mirror's Football Spy has managed to tear himself away from peeping over the top of his newspaper and sending coded messages by telegraph long enough to sniff out Elano's imminent move to Lazio, West Brom manager Tony Mowbray's upcoming swoop for Arsenal starlet "Oh" Jay Simpson and Tony Pulis' yearning for Celtic centre half Gary Caldwell. Even more exciting, Big Phil is keen to pay £4m of Roman Abramovich's shrinking petro-gas-dollars for Sporting Braga striker Orlando Sa. Apparently the Big man has already had him in for "a secret trial", no doubt involving a stern examination of his prospects and a professional measuring up for the Chelsea-issue frock coat, kilt and marital sporran combo.
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